


Darcy Lewis is Basically the Avengers' Guard Dog

by megster



Series: In These Small Hours [5]
Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-09
Updated: 2012-07-09
Packaged: 2017-11-09 12:23:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/455418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megster/pseuds/megster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy tases another low-life insulting the Avengers, but this time she's sober. Phil begins to think that his assistant is a little taser-happy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Darcy Lewis is Basically the Avengers' Guard Dog

**Author's Note:**

> I swear I don't mean to make things Darcy-centric. It just happens sometimes.

This time Darcy isn’t even drunk. 

She vaguely wishes she was for a moment, because Phil is going to be _pissed_.

But the fact remains that she is entirely sober, she and Jane are sitting at a little deli, and there is a man lying at her feet, twitching from the electrical shock.

“I can’t take you anywhere,” Jane says in despair.

“You love me,” Darcy protests. She nudges the unconscious man with her foot.

“I love Thor, too, but I continually try to avoid taking him into public,” Jane says, only half serious.

It’s only because they are loyal customers at the deli that the owner doesn’t call the cops or an ambulance.

“He wasn’t being very nice,” Darcy says pleadingly. 

Jane rolls her eyes to high heaven. “Darce, just because people aren’t being very _nice_ does _not_ mean you can just, you know, tase them.”

For all her protests, Jane doesn’t look too alarmed. She’s still sitting relaxed in her seat, although Darcy is tense as a coiled spring, still wound up from the guy’s words.

“He ogled my boobs (which, yeah, okay, they’re fantastic), tried to ask me out, and then talked shit about everyone. He totally deserved it. My only regret is that this is going to cause more paperwork for Phil. And he’ll probably be not-very-happy.”

Jane screws up her face, recalls some of what the guy had said (including but not limited to calling Thor a “big blonde idiot without a brain,” saying that Clint is wholly “useless because who the fuck uses arrows,” and saying that Tony “has daddy issues,” which is a totally low blow), and shrugs. “He did deserve it,” she admits to Darcy, who beams.

The guy on the ground groans, redirecting their attention. “What the _fuck_ ,” he says blearily.

“Next time,” Darcy says very calmly, very blandly (clearly she’s been picking things up from Phil, Jane thinks), “I am not going to stop at tasing you. I will drag you to Natasha, and she will make you wish you were never born. Also, this never happened. Report this and you will disappear. I have friends in high places.” And she gets to her feet, jaw set angrily. 

Jane sighs to herself, sweeping their trash into her arms and giving the deli owner an apologetic wave as she follows Darcy out.

*          *          *

“Um,” Bruce says when she tells him. “Maybe we should work on your anger issues.” He looks like he’s torn between a desire to laugh or cry. Honestly, it’s an expression that Darcy encounters fairly often. She’s drawn it from Jane, Erik, and Tony more times than one. She’s even certain that the look has even made its way onto Phil’s usually impassive face.

Darcy grins. “I _like_ tasing people though,” she says, “and Tony keeps making me new ones. I have to test them on someone.”

Bruce gives her the I-give-up-on-you look, but hands her an omelette and some salsa.

*          *          *

Clint laughs when she tells him the story. “Darcy,” he says. “You are a danger to yourself and others around you.”

“Only to idiots,” she protests.

*          *          *

“You have _issues_ ,” Tony says around his mouthful of coffee. “Really, Darcy, we _can_ take care of ourselves.” He’s looking at her in amusement, though.

Darcy ignores him and asks Dummy, “Do you have any eights?”

The robot clicks and whirs and reluctantly drops the card in front of her.

“Are you playing _Go Fish_ with my _robot_?” Tony asks incredulously.

“Yeah,” she says casually.

“You really are crazy,” Tony says, but he slides over a slim metal device.

“Oh man,” she says delightedly. “New one?”

Tony nods. 

*          *          *

Steve is speechless.

Darcy grins.

He throws up his hands. “It wasn’t really considered acceptable in my time to go around electrocuting people,” he says.

“It’s still not considered acceptable,” Darcy assures him quickly. “Only, I don’t live my life worrying about what’s acceptable and what’s not.”

*          *          *

Natasha’s mouth twitches.

So far, Natasha is the only one who doesn’t think Darcy overreacted.

Then again, Natasha once broke both of a man’s arms because he groped at her ass, so maybe Natasha isn’t the best example.

“I can teach you how to cause immense amounts of pain with a drinking straw,” is all Natasha says, and Darcy is pretty sure she’s not imagining the fond look in the assassin’s eyes.

“That is really, really cool,” Darcy says, delighted. Her life is awesome.

*          *          *

“I am flattered that the Lady Darcy saw fit to rise to my defense,” Thor says to Jane, “But I am more than capable of fighting such miscreants myself, although I do not carry lightning in my pocket.”

Jane smiles. “I think she just likes tasing people,” she says. “And she just uses you guys as an excuse.”

Thor shrugs. “What the Lady Darcy sees fit to do to defend our honor is her decision,” he says. “Maybe next time I will accompany her.”

“Oh God, no,” Jane says, horrified, imagining setting Darcy _and_ Thor loose on an unwitting public.

*          *          *

Phil sort of stares at his assistant, because he likes Darcy, he really does, but he’s beginning to wish that she wouldn’t tase people so often.

“I’ll fill out the paperwork,” she offers, turning big brown eyes on him.

“Fine,” Phil says. “But we’re going to have to work on your protective mother-hen instincts.”

“I resent that,” Darcy says. “Hens are _so_ not intimidating.”

Phil gives her an are-you-crazy look. “Mother-wolf?” he suggests anyway, and he really doesn’t know why he indulges her.

“Yeah, much better,” Darcy says happily.

“They’re not your children,” he tries.

“They _totally_ are,” Darcy says. “And you know it because they’re totally your children too. If you’re the supernanny, I can totally be the guard dog.”

And, huh. That actually makes a convoluted sort of sense. “It disturbs me that I’m not even going to attempt to argue your point,” Phil says, “but you may be right.”

Darcy grins at him.

Her life is really, _really_ cool.


End file.
